Time to Trust Me

When it comes to relationships, I don’t understand how I keep repeating the same pattern. I have made so many positive changes in my life; however, this one eludes me. It seems that every time I try to learn my lesson in this area I fall into the same destructive pattern. The second you can look at yourself in a completely honest manner is the second you can really grow as a person. I figured out the right questions for every other aspect in my life except with relationships…I kept asking the wrong questions.

Maybe my years of self analysis, my obsession with journaling, or my recent Craniosacral session has opened Pandora’s box. Or maybe it is my current frustration that I have been propositioned by 3 guys in the past few weeks for sex. No let’s do dinner, hey can we chat over drinks, no I want to get to know you. Now I understand I am open sexually. I have no problem discussing sex with men. Many times mental foreplay can be better than sex. However, that does not mean I will jump into the bed with every guy I meet.

There is something nice about getting to know someone without the pressure of the bedroom. If it is too soon, I lose all respect for the guy. However, that is exactly what I did in college. I never gave any of my college flings a choice. If they were trying to take me home on the first night, I played the game.  I had some damn good skills as a player.  My assumption was that they were interested in one thing, and I was going to teach them a lesson. They may have truly wanted to get to know me. That is not their fault…I kept asking the wrong question.

Then there was the relationship that I stayed too long. I told myself that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, or I was afraid of what he might do to himself, or the fact that he made me feel guilty. When I did finally end it, I didn’t make a clean break. I kept holding on to him, which only hurt him more. If I would have been completely honest with him, I would have saved him pain and would have freed me. I knew deep down that this was not the relationship for me. I don’t blame him…I kept asking the wrong question.

Then there is my 4 1/2 on and off relationship.  I always knew the relationship was not working. I was always prepared for the end, which there needed to be. However, I was never the one to pull the trigger. Thank god he did pull the trigger over and over and over! The relationship was never going to work for multiple reasons especially since he was gay.  This didn’t come out until a couple years later, but I continually put myself back in a relationship I knew wasn’t working.  I don’t blame him…I kept asking the wrong question.

Why did I act the player? Why did I stay so long? Why did I continue to put myself through an on and off relationship that would never work? I didn’t trust these guys. I didn’t trust these guys because I didn’t trust me. I didn’t trust me because I didn’t love me. None of these guys have ever given me a reason to not trust them. When it came to a guy liking me, I didn’t trust what he said. I thought how could he like me? I would find every reason to screw it up while self destructing. Guy is interested in me, I play game and push them away, he starts to get disinterested (or what I assume is he is not into me), I try to fit into what he wants by playing the game again.  Thus, losing self respect for myself and truly driving myself insane.

I always thought it was the guys I picked, or I needed to create more boundaries, or it was some other extenuating circumstance. I was just fooling myself. I would say it is because I’m noncommittal, or I spend too much time working. Just more freakin’ excuses! But really, I didn’t think I was good enough. That is BS! Don’t get me wrong these guys had there own issues to deal with, and I will not take responsibility for that. I take responsibility for the part I played in these relationships!   

Here I am still trying to figure out my insanity in relationships.  I need to forgive all those past relationships because I learned from them. Those individuals all help me become who I am today. I hope they can forgive me for the pain or confusion I may have caused. I don’t need their forgiveness…I hope they get the answers they need. Some may have already received the answers. They are probably faster learners than I am in this area. Most of all I forgive myself for not trusting or believing in me. I forgive me, I forgive me, I forgive me. I didn’t need to understand the answer…I needed to ask a different question.

The travels into the center of my being have been an interesting flashlight on my life.  You see stuff that you like and things that you have no clue why you did them.  Then you hit that one event that you thought was resolved.  Or did you just convince yourself that you dealt with it?  If I just put another band-aid over it, it will some how heal.  Yet, it is only in ripping off the scab of lies that you truly start the healing process.  For me, I just had the realization of a wound that needs to heal.  I never looked at my role in the situation and the larger wound hiding underneath the scab of lies I told myself.  I have just ripped the scab of lies to feel the pain of truth.

There is a definite disconnect for me in the area of love.  It just seems easier to stay away from it than to open my heart completely to the opportunities.  I will go on dates and pretend I’m opening myself.  Or I will get excited about someone who is already in a relationship because it is safe.  Or I will use the constant excuse that I’m too busy with my studio.  In reality, I’m just fooling myself.  I see the falsities of my reasons.  Falsities that served me up to this point because I was afraid to rip open the scab.  I was afraid to go into the truth of my nemesis. 

I determined at a young age that I would not get into a serious relationship until I was completely happy with myself.  Unfortunately that girl forgot that wisdom as the scab of lies took over.  I knew I wanted a particular type of love.  I wanted a relationship in which he was my best friend.  We would challenge each other in a healthy way to grow as individuals and as a relationship together.  We would accept each other as we are and love every part of each other even the flaws.  Yes, there would be tough times, but in those tough times we would become stronger together as we figured out how to get through it.  A relationship that we could have our own lives and still create adventures together. 

There is one relationship in particular that my scab of lies had hardened.  For me, it was an emotionally abusive relationship.  He would tell me I would be ugly if I cut my hair short.  He would tell me that I would look ugly if I would wear my awesome Gwen Stefani Hot Topic plaid pants.  He would be pissed when I would wear my favorite Chicago Bulls sweatshirt.  He even ripped the collar of the sweatshirt in one of our arguments.  He would get mad if I went out with my friends, and eventually I cut myself off to them.  I, even cut myself off to the one person who always put light in my life, Teryn.  Even she couldn’t help me out of the darkness that was being created in this relationship.  Then there is the time that I stood up during a football game to go to the bathroom, and he grabbed my arm to push me back into the chair.    

However, I was never really willing to admit to myself that this was an abusive relationship.  I’m a strong independent woman who would not be in an abusive relationship.  He really didn’t hit me so it wasn’t like that other type of abuse.  I forgave him knowing that we just weren’t a good fit.  Even now I don’t blame him.  I believe he was looking for a certain person who I was not.  He never really saw me for me.  That is ok because it is ultimately me that had to rip open the scab of lies.  Baby, I’m ripping right now.

I allowed that abuse.  Why?  Because I was abusing myself more than he ever could.  He never got more violent than the one time during the football game, but I wonder at that time how many punches I would have taken.  The reality is until the past year I would have taken many punches.  Those punches would have been nothing compared to the lies I was telling myself; the lies of not being good enough.  It was easy to take the abuse when you are abusing yourself. 

This relationship closed me off to my friends and ultimately to life.  I started to be depressed and wouldn’t leave the house except for work.  He would even come over and hold me when I wouldn’t leave the bed.  However, that wasn’t going to change it.  Only I was going to change it.  I knew I wanted out of the relationship for a long time.  I was staying in the relationship for a web of reasons that continued to build the scab.  None of them was the real answer.  I was unhappy with me and I felt I deserved to be treated that way.  After enough misery, I started to break free from the prison I created for myself, except I didn’t really cut the ties.  I kept a relationship with him even though we weren’t officially dating.  I wasn’t fully ready to leave the abuse of myself.  Finality didn’t occur until I was transferred to Wisconsin.  It was when I told him I was dating someone new that it truly ended.  

He didn’t see me for who I was, and I was not what he really wanted.  He was not what I wanted.  I don’t believe he would have treated the right girl that way because he really did have a good heart.  Yes, he had a role.  However, I had a larger role because I could have walked away at any time when I wasn’t receiving what I needed.

I have been willing to sacrifice my happiness for others in my relationships because I didn’t think I deserved better.  I knew relationships were over and would stay in them holding onto nothingness.  I have been willing to be miserable in a relationship because I believed I needed love to feel better about myself.  I have been willing to put my life on hold for the hopes that my boyfriend would change.  I have been willing to overlook major issues because I wanted to be loved.  I have been willing to be abused because it was less than the abuse I was already doing to myself. 

Now that I have removed the layers of scabs I can move forward.  I will not get involved in a relationship that does not meet my desires.  I love myself more than I could love anyone else.  I will not stick in a relationship hoping they will end it.  I will not be in a relationship where the other person wants me to change.  He needs to love me for me, flaws and all.  He needs to see me for who I am and not what he wants me to be.  Most of all I start to love me more than anyone else.  No one can complete me or make me happy.  Only I can make me happy. 

I open the wound to the truth of my love to heal all that is me.  Now, I’m ready to open myself to the love that I desire because I will see clearly beyond the lies I could tell me.  The scab of lies no longer exists to cover up the truth of my love.