The travels into the center of my being have been an interesting flashlight on my life. You see stuff that you like and things that you have no clue why you did them. Then you hit that one event that you thought was resolved. Or did you just convince yourself that you dealt with it? If I just put another band-aid over it, it will some how heal. Yet, it is only in ripping off the scab of lies that you truly start the healing process. For me, I just had the realization of a wound that needs to heal. I never looked at my role in the situation and the larger wound hiding underneath the scab of lies I told myself. I have just ripped the scab of lies to feel the pain of truth.
There is a definite disconnect for me in the area of love. It just seems easier to stay away from it than to open my heart completely to the opportunities. I will go on dates and pretend I’m opening myself. Or I will get excited about someone who is already in a relationship because it is safe. Or I will use the constant excuse that I’m too busy with my studio. In reality, I’m just fooling myself. I see the falsities of my reasons. Falsities that served me up to this point because I was afraid to rip open the scab. I was afraid to go into the truth of my nemesis.
I determined at a young age that I would not get into a serious relationship until I was completely happy with myself. Unfortunately that girl forgot that wisdom as the scab of lies took over. I knew I wanted a particular type of love. I wanted a relationship in which he was my best friend. We would challenge each other in a healthy way to grow as individuals and as a relationship together. We would accept each other as we are and love every part of each other even the flaws. Yes, there would be tough times, but in those tough times we would become stronger together as we figured out how to get through it. A relationship that we could have our own lives and still create adventures together.
There is one relationship in particular that my scab of lies had hardened. For me, it was an emotionally abusive relationship. He would tell me I would be ugly if I cut my hair short. He would tell me that I would look ugly if I would wear my awesome Gwen Stefani Hot Topic plaid pants. He would be pissed when I would wear my favorite Chicago Bulls sweatshirt. He even ripped the collar of the sweatshirt in one of our arguments. He would get mad if I went out with my friends, and eventually I cut myself off to them. I, even cut myself off to the one person who always put light in my life, Teryn. Even she couldn’t help me out of the darkness that was being created in this relationship. Then there is the time that I stood up during a football game to go to the bathroom, and he grabbed my arm to push me back into the chair.
However, I was never really willing to admit to myself that this was an abusive relationship. I’m a strong independent woman who would not be in an abusive relationship. He really didn’t hit me so it wasn’t like that other type of abuse. I forgave him knowing that we just weren’t a good fit. Even now I don’t blame him. I believe he was looking for a certain person who I was not. He never really saw me for me. That is ok because it is ultimately me that had to rip open the scab of lies. Baby, I’m ripping right now.
I allowed that abuse. Why? Because I was abusing myself more than he ever could. He never got more violent than the one time during the football game, but I wonder at that time how many punches I would have taken. The reality is until the past year I would have taken many punches. Those punches would have been nothing compared to the lies I was telling myself; the lies of not being good enough. It was easy to take the abuse when you are abusing yourself.
This relationship closed me off to my friends and ultimately to life. I started to be depressed and wouldn’t leave the house except for work. He would even come over and hold me when I wouldn’t leave the bed. However, that wasn’t going to change it. Only I was going to change it. I knew I wanted out of the relationship for a long time. I was staying in the relationship for a web of reasons that continued to build the scab. None of them was the real answer. I was unhappy with me and I felt I deserved to be treated that way. After enough misery, I started to break free from the prison I created for myself, except I didn’t really cut the ties. I kept a relationship with him even though we weren’t officially dating. I wasn’t fully ready to leave the abuse of myself. Finality didn’t occur until I was transferred to Wisconsin. It was when I told him I was dating someone new that it truly ended.
He didn’t see me for who I was, and I was not what he really wanted. He was not what I wanted. I don’t believe he would have treated the right girl that way because he really did have a good heart. Yes, he had a role. However, I had a larger role because I could have walked away at any time when I wasn’t receiving what I needed.
I have been willing to sacrifice my happiness for others in my relationships because I didn’t think I deserved better. I knew relationships were over and would stay in them holding onto nothingness. I have been willing to be miserable in a relationship because I believed I needed love to feel better about myself. I have been willing to put my life on hold for the hopes that my boyfriend would change. I have been willing to overlook major issues because I wanted to be loved. I have been willing to be abused because it was less than the abuse I was already doing to myself.
Now that I have removed the layers of scabs I can move forward. I will not get involved in a relationship that does not meet my desires. I love myself more than I could love anyone else. I will not stick in a relationship hoping they will end it. I will not be in a relationship where the other person wants me to change. He needs to love me for me, flaws and all. He needs to see me for who I am and not what he wants me to be. Most of all I start to love me more than anyone else. No one can complete me or make me happy. Only I can make me happy.
I open the wound to the truth of my love to heal all that is me. Now, I’m ready to open myself to the love that I desire because I will see clearly beyond the lies I could tell me. The scab of lies no longer exists to cover up the truth of my love.